A stork would be much easier...

When people find out that I no longer do bedside nursing the first question they often ask is, "Do you miss it?" to which I reply with 100% certainty, "no, absolutely not".

We have to go back over 10 years to when I graduated nursing school, passed state boards (thank goodness!) and landed an internship which resulted in my first official nursing job on a mom/baby postpartum unit. I truly felt like I landed my dream job and one that I intended to do forever. Don't get me wrong, I am still extremely grateful for how my career started, especially to get into a department that can be difficult to get in- but we obviously know my plan to be there forever didn't quite pan out based on the post intro statement.

My favorite part about that job was the education piece, particularly for first time moms and parents. There was something truly magical about helping a woman breastfeed her brand new child, although it isn't always easy or automatic like you might think or a dad change a diaper for the first time. Seeing the excitement, pure happiness, nerves and even fear of the realization that they would soon be leaving the place that allowed them to get some sleep while their little one spent a few hours in the nursery between feeds. They might be enjoying their last peaceful shower or breakfast for years to come. They were going to have to take this tiny human home with them and just figure it out. I still fondly remember many of the patients I took care of during those first few years, and feel honored to have been a small part of their journey into parenthood. But it wasn't always sunshine and rainbows....

I also cared for prisoners that would be sent back to their jail cell leaving their newborn behind. I had to administer methadone to babies withdrawing from drugs because their mother was an addict while pregnant. I had to hear some patients complain that the free car seat they were getting from our unit social worker was brown and, "how would anyone know their baby is a girl in a brown car seat?!" and although as a nurse part of the job is to care for everyone with empathy and the utmost professionalism no matter the circumstance- it was difficult at times.

I will never forget a particular shift at work. I was in the nursery rocking a "drug baby" who could not be consoled no matter what I did. If you have never heard the cry of a child withdrawing from drugs it is the most high pitched shrill cry you can imagine. Feeling their shakes, jitters and rigid muscles because their body is adjusting to the lack of whatever drug was their mother's choice-is beyond sad and heartbreaking. As I am doing my best to soothe this little one, I receive a text from a friend letting me know that she had a miscarriage and I instantly started to cry. It was so unfair to me that someone I loved and cared about and without a doubt would be an amazing mother was going through such pain. Meanwhile, I was about to see this child in my arms go home with someone who would likely be using drugs again in no time. That hit me hard.

I was losing empathy. I was feeling burnt out already and my nursing career was still fresh. I was in that role for approximately three years and just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't fake a smile. I was sick of sugarcoating things and not being able to say what I really wanted to (because let's face it- nursing is customer service and the customer is always right... even when they are clearly wrong) I needed a change and was relieved that I had found one. We had just recently purchased our first home in Westerville and there was a hospital that would be much closer, had free parking (FINALLY! That is still the biggest crock of shit in my opinion to have to pay to park at work) and would be a different patient population. The only kicker was- there were no openings in the mom/baby department so I would have to go to the Labor & Delivery unit.

I felt confident and ready to make the leap. How hard could it be?

I will save a lot of time and tell you right from the jump that it was hard. It was hard because I had lost a lot of basic nursing skills in my three years on a unit where I never had to insert an IV or draw labs. It was hard because I had to learn how to read fetal heart strips and monitor a laboring mother for an entire 12 hour shift every fifteen minutes. It was hard because I would be in a room assisting while one patient got an epidural and my phone would ring letting me know my other patient was feeling the urge to push. It was hard because no matter how much I tried I was struggling to find the cervix and accurately determine how dilated someone was (ya'll everything feels the same up there until you truly know what you are feeling for!) It was hard because a woman with a birth plan for a natural vaginal delivery with no meds could be told at times that an emergency c-section was necessary to safely bring her child into the world. It was hard because we also had women come in that knew they were going to deliver a stillborn child and not get to leave the hospital with a baby in their arms. It was hard because although I knew I could do it if I gave myself enough time, I was also fearful of something going South and losing my nursing license. Because let me tell you, in Labor & Delivery things are fine until they aren't. And it can take a turn REAL quick. I found out that I am NOT an adrenaline junkie when it came to work and although I could function under stress, it was taking a toll on me.

Don't let me scare you or make you think it was panic mode non-stop. There were many beautiful moments too. Getting to witness new life being born is incredible and if you ever get the chance to see it for yourself, you totally should. It reminds you just how extraordinary the human body is. Seeing the grit and determination on a woman's face as she is exhausted but knows that she HAS to push to see her baby even though she might be saying, "I can't do this" over and over again. The instant love you can see AND feel as a mom or dad holds their little one for the first time. I teared up many times because it honestly is one of the most precious and intimate moments you can witness. Woman are the real super heroes in this world so if you have had a child (whether it be vaginal, c-section, natural, medicated, literally however) I am giving you a standing ovation right now because YOU are amazing!

Despite all of the good and bad that came with the job of being an L&D nurse, I only made it there for 6 months. I felt like a loser and a quitter but I literally would cry to Darren before my shift. My stomach would be in knots and I absolutely dreaded the idea of having to go to work. I felt awful because the manager had given me an opportunity, someone with zero experience in this department and I was leaving even before I had a chance to take the exam that was required to continue to be a nurse on that unit. To be perfectly honest, I had convinced myself I would bomb it and I think that was more scary than the actual job most days. But you know what they say, when one door closes another one opens. And this door was looking REALLY good. Monday-Friday, day shift, no holidays or weekends: SIGN ME UP!

I am happy to share that I am still at the company that I left the hospital for, and it is one of the best decisions I could have ever made for myself and my career. December was my 7th year at this company and I hope to be there for the long haul. You might be asking yourself, "What does any of this have to do with #choosingchildfree" to which I would reply that both of these experiences in mom/baby and Labor & Delivery planted a seed of doubt in my mind even before Darren and I had our first conversation about having kids. I might not have known it then, but looking back I was already questioning if I wanted to go through all of that (delivery can be brutal people, don't let anyone fool you) And if you don't believe me that doing that line of work could possibly make someone consider not having children, I distinctly recall having conversations with a few other nurses I worked with and them telling me that if they didn't already have kids before working on one of those units, it might have changed their minds.

You know how sometimes you can know too much? And with that knowing comes information you can't un-know. And that information can sometimes lead to fear and doubt? Although many deliveries go smoothly and are uncomplicated, I concluded that it really would be wonderful if babies came from storks. It would certainly be a heck of a lot easier.

-Holly