What now?

You know when you are a kid and it's Christmas day and you have just finished opening all of your presents and as they are sitting around you, you feel so happy? Then in the next moment you are kind of disappointed because there are no more presents to unwrap and you have to wait a whole year until Santa comes again.

Or maybe you have planned a wedding and you spent so much time stressing, planning and organizing every little detail so that you would have the perfect day. When the day comes and goes, you feel relieved because lets be real- planning a wedding is stressful AF and you are looking forward to that honeymoon, but you also feel a bit deflated because it went by so quick. Now you might start to wonder what you are going to spend your time and energy on moving forward. You are so grateful for this huge milestone that just took place, but you already start to long for the next thing that you can look forward to.

The nerves, excitement and anticipation build up so much and then when the event is over- whatever that may be, you might end up feeling like a balloon that has just been popped.

Can anyone relate?! I know it can't just be me who has felt any of these things before.

That is kind of how I feel as I type this. It has now been a little over six weeks since I've had my tubal ligation (how is that even possible?!) and although I am glad to have it behind me, I have kind of been feeling the whole, "what now?" emotions start to emerge. Not like an "oh shit, what does my life mean now that I won't be a mother" but more like "I can literally do so many things now that I know without a doubt I will be childfree for the rest of my life, so what does that look like?"

On one hand it is super exciting because it gives me so much freedom, but its also overwhelming because the not knowing and uncertainty of the future can also be terrifying. Freedom that I don't have to stay put in any one place. Freedom that although I will always need (and want) money to live, I won't have the immense pressure to work myself to the bone to afford the kind of life I would want to have while also raising a child. Freedom that if I want to book a trip for next week or go to a concert last minute, I can actually do it without giving it much thought.

Overwhelming because there are so many places I want to see and things I want to do that I feel like even if I lived a hundred more years, I would still run out of time (and lets be honest, money) to do them all. Overwhelming because although Darren and I do have a pretty great situation with both working from home, which allows us the option to get up and go- who knows if that will always be the case. Overwhelming because even though I am ready to put a for sale sign in our yard tomorrow...the economy, mortgage rates and housing market are total shit right now. What a bummer.

I am saying none of these things to brag or say, "look how great my life is without kids". In fact, you might think that all of the above sounds silly, stupid or empty. We all have different perspectives, different dreams, different plans for how we envision our lives and different things that bring us joy, and that is okay.

I just feel like all of the time I spent stressing about this major life decision and debating if it were the right route for me filled up a lot of my mind and mental capacity. No longer having to do that has honestly given me a lot more time, energy and control back- and it feels really good. I have been able to focus more on my health and taking care of myself. Mindfully eating and working toward living a life full of balance when it comes to nutrition, exercise and my social life. Since my procedure, I have linked arms with Herbal Alchemy as an advocate for them because I genuinely believe in the brand and also love their non-synthetic products that focus on transformative wellness for the entire body. I continue to be a Beautycounter consultant and share a lot about their clean products on social media as well. So it isn't like I am just sitting around being a bump on a log. I like to keep myself busy on top of my usual wife, daughter, friend, full-time employee responsibilities that I have day to day.

I would love to have a debt-free life one day because that could literally impact every aspect of my life in a positive way. I could possibly see us getting a dog in the future (we both still have some reservations about this, but I think we could be swayed eventually). If it were up to me, I would love to be able to take two big trips a year or own a vacation home somewhere. I would absolutely love to write a book, but get overwhelmed just thinking about that process and start to doubt myself right out of it. My main goal is to end up somewhere warmer permanently to live, so you better believe that this is at the top of my priority list, but I am likely going to have to get some patience regarding this topic. Which isn't really a strong suit for me if I am being 100% honest. Above all of these things, I also want to simply enjoy life, live it to the fullest and stop taking things for granted. Some days that means taking a nap after work, reading a book and binge watching trash tv. Other days it means a date night, concert tickets or boarding a plane to start vacation. Each of these are things I value and want to continue to appreciate.

I would love to have an exact roadmap of where I will be in a year, five years, ten years from now- wouldn't we all? But what would be the fun in that? So although I don't have all of the answers regarding "what now" I will say that I am absolutely excited for the possibilities that have been rolling around inside my head. Instead of feeling deflated or bored, I am choosing to be optimistic and mindful about surrounding myself with people, places and things that make me smile and make my heart and life feel more full. The decision to be childfree might be behind me, but my #childfree journey has just begun.

-Holly